Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Pain and Hurt

Tonight I had to deal with what, to me, has been one of the hardest parts of this entire ordeal. Somebody very close to me asked me if I was telling the truth when I said that I had not abused my wife. I was pretty hurt, but I guess I understand. I guess it's something I'd better get used to - I think just because of the nature of the accusation people will always wonder.

It's very painful. In the last few months I've been falsely accused, thrown out of my house with no more than (literally) 5 minutes to gather what I could, found that my wife had cleaned out all the bank accounts, listened as people told me my wife was telling them I was a danger to our son. I get to see him twice a week, but that's hardly enough. I miss him terribly.

It's only sometimes that I realize how much this experience has affected me. In the grand scheme of things I know that many people have gone through much worse, but that doesn't help much. I don't understand how somebody can do something like this - I just don't have the streak of cruelty necessary.

I know my wife's mental illness has a lot to do with what she did, but I can't bring myself to forgive her. I can be civil, but I'll never trust her again. She doesn't understand. She talks to me like nothing happened on the phone, she calls and emails me asking for help with her computer or other things. She tells people she feels bad for what she did to me, but continually does things and makes up more stories to make things harder for me.

I'm just rambling now. I need to get into bed and get some sleep.