Sunday, February 06, 2005

Putting my thoughts in order...

So here I sit in a Starbucks, typing away. I’m trying to think of all the things that were just not right with my wife’s behavior so I can avoid having to come up with it off the top of my head tomorrow with the counselor.

So when did this all begin? I can pinpoint pretty precisely when things started going downhill for my wife, at least when we were together. I have no idea how long she’s been having problems beyond that. First, I think that I ought to mention my wife’s first marriage, because there are a couple of parallels. I know very little about the marriage itself, my wife has told me very little about it. The things she has told me were very negative. She no longer has any pictures of her first husband, having literally cut his face and body out of any picture she kept, but most of them she just destroyed. She told me not long after we first met that at the end of their time together (I don’t know if this is before or after any papers were filed) that he raped her. When she told me this I had no reason to not believe what she told me. However, one day the phone rang and my wife ended up talking to the caller for about a half-hour. When she got off the phone she said it had been her ex-husband and that she was afraid he would come to the house. She claimed to be afraid of him because of the rape and his behavior during the marriage. After what she did to me I have to wonder how much of what she told me was the truth. My attorney has asked me to try to find out her first husband’s last name so that we can look up their divorce decree and possibly contact him. She also knows another man she told me had been very attracted to her, and the feeling was not mutual. She showed me his picture and told me that if I ever saw him to call the police.

She has told me some things about her childhood that I have to wonder about now also. As she described it, her mother was always extremely abusive to her, and she blamed it on the schizophrenia. She told me stories of being locked in her room for days at a time, being forced to relieve herself on the floor, after which she was beaten. I heard about how her father would hold her down while her mother pinched her, slapped or beat her.

Not long before I met her she went and had a full-body CT scan done because she was scared that she might have some kind of cancer. For as long as we were together she would constantly talk about how her friends were all angry with her, that they just didn’t understand her. She’d describe minor talks and how innocuous comments would have hidden meanings.

After we were married she started suspecting me of having affairs. She was sure that I was having affairs with various women, including friends (both hers and mine), neighbors, co-workers etc. I would often hear about her suspicions regarding me and “your girlfriend”. I’ve already mentioned the sudden comments about how if I killed her “they” would catch me.

One other thing that really sticks out in my mind was her continual attempts to “catch” me doing something on the computer. I’d be on the computer and suddenly the door to the room would burst open and she’d rush over to see what I was doing. When I started getting spam delivered to my inbox she was sure it was because I’d signed up for it. It was actually comical when she started getting some explicit spam on her compuserve account. She asked me how you got it to stop and I told her there wasn’t a way to get them to stop sending it. I thought that this would make her realize that you don’t have to do anything to get spam, but it made no difference.

It’s funny, when I sit and write this all out I wonder how I could live with it all. I guess that if all of this happens over the course of a couple of years that you don’t see it in the same light. I wish I’d done more research into schizophrenia before all of this happened, maybe I could have done something or convinced somebody that she had a problem.

An interesting statistic is that the chances of developing schizophrenia goes from 1% (in the general population) to 13% if one of your parents has it. The more I read about the disease the more angry I get at myself for not doing something earlier. Maybe tomorrow I can get some good ideas from the new counselor.