Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Fear is the Mind-Killer

Those of you who have read Dune know the title. What are the things I'm scared of? I had an hour and fifteen minute drive tonight that I spent thinking about this. The last few weeks have been pretty tumultuous for me - I am not happy with the way things have been happening. I'm having a lot of trouble writing this down - it's hard to gather my thoughts. The latest post on Return to Happiness touched me, mainly because he and I are going through so many of the same things. Chuck's been through it too. Lisa is having some of the same kinds of problems. Here are some of the fears going through my mind right now.

Women. I'm finding I'm scared of women. I'm dating a very nice woman, but we seem to be growing apart. That's not what I'm talking about, though. The only reason I mention that is that I've been thinking about her and women in general. There are a couple of issues that come to mind. One is that right now every time I think about a future relationship with a woman I find myself worried about everything that's happened to me happening all over again. What my wife did to me has had a severe effect on me. Before this I couldn't imagine somebody betraying me the way she did - now when I think about women and relationships the thought of this betrayal keeps popping into my mind. Mental illness fits into this as well - I can't very well ask for women to submit to a psychiatric evaluation. I find myself wondering how I'll know if somebody has mental problems. This is one of the big things I want to bring to my counselor for help with. I know it's not exactly rational of me to think like this, but you'll have to forgive me, I was burned quite badly.

Money. Money has been beyond tight for me since this has all happened. I'm tired of the stupid games my wife has been playing with our finances. I keep hearing her complain about the state of our finances during our marriage, but she was in charge of them. She made the conscious decision not to work, yet she complained constantly about our income. When she ambushed me with everything she cleaned out the bank accounts. I've given her far more than I had to and she still stole and extra $1000 from me. I have been hurt so badly financially that I am scared to put my finances in somebody else's hands now. Supporting my wife the way I did after the ambush put me way behind in everything, now I'm starting to catch up but I'm not sure I want to know how much damage this has done to my credit rating. I'm sure my wife has done fine, though. My attorney doesn't think that I'll end up paying for her attorney, but my wife probably thinks otherwise. I am in a horrible financial position right now, but for the best of reasons - I need to be able to tell my son someday that I did everything I could for him.

Anger. I'm pissed. I mean, I'm really pissed. I think I was a wonderful husband. I took my vows very seriously, I never cheated, I did everything I could to provide for my family, and I stood by my wife when her problems started. When she lost her job she thought I would leave her, the thought never even occurred to me. When we started to have problems because of the financial pressures caused by her job loss I went to counseling with her. When I finally realized that there was something wrong that went beyond stress, I started researching, trying to find out what I could so that I could try to help her. When she started getting physically violent with me I didn't leave her. I put up with constant accusations of infidelity, constant threats of divorce, and accusations of plotting to kill her (among other crimes). I found out that she was telling her friends and her family things about me - like that I was hiding some kind of secret debt, that I had a girlfriend, that I was diverting money for some illicit purpose, that I had a pornography addiction. I could go on. Do you think this was easy? No way. I stuck it out, though. How was I repayed? She ambushed me. She fabricated a story about me being abusive. When that wasn't believed she started claiming that I was a danger to my son. She has limited my visitation with him for no reason at all, except maybe to increase our attorney fees. I don't want to be angry, but she sure is making it hard to let it go.

Losing my Job - A couple of months before the Ambush I started at my current company. It's a highly technical position and every new hire is on probation for the first year. My performance before the Ambush was incredible - afterward, however, it's suffered. I've got to do a turnaround, and I can't waste any time doing it. I have a great manager, but he can only do so much. I have to take responsibility for myself and get moving on this. I hate to sound like I'm using this as an excuse, but her behavior is making it very difficult to concentrate on my job. I wish I could get her to understand that if she makes my life so difficult that I lose my job it will have a slight effect on my ability to provide support.

Ok, I could keep writing, but I really need to get to bed. I need to make it a habit to get to bed earlier. I need to get more sleep and exercise, in that order, but writing like this is therapeutic.