Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A Phone Call And Diminished Anger

Tonight I got a call from a friend of mine. She’s actually a friend of my STBX’s also, so sometimes I hear interesting things from her. Tonight was no exception. She called to see how I’d been since my job loss – we helped her through a rough time with an employer once, and I even testified at the trial for her lawsuit. My testimony was very damaging for the employer (whom I had had dealings with personally), and when she did well on the stand also he decided it would be in his best interests to settle. So to say we know each other well is not an overstatement.

She was one of the first people I called when I was ambushed way back when. She was incredulous at what my STBX did, and had several conversations with her. From what I understand it got pretty ugly at one point. She told me that my STBX’s family had let her have it for what she did and were not being very supportive of her decisions. That wasn’t much comfort for me, seeing as how I could have gone to prison because of her accusations if things had not gone the right way. I think they should have become much more involved, and I plan on telling them that after the divorce is final.

We talked for a while tonight, about what was happening in our lives, both good and bad, and eventually my STBX’s actions concerning my son this week came out. She told me that while she hoped the new job would go well for my STBX, she didn’t think it would. She is of the opinion that it will be too much. She went on to say that every time she talked to my STBX I was always something that came up.

This is what’s weird. My friend told me that nearly every time she talks to my STBX, she acts as though we are still a “couple”, and acts as though we will be getting back together at some point. My friend went on to say that my STBX is constantly expressing concern that I’m dating somebody (she doesn’t know for sure) or that I’m going to get married. My friend is a believer in tough love, and pretty much tells it like it is. She told my STBX that she had made all the decisions to get rid of me, and also the way she was going to do it. She may regret it now, but it’s a little late to be saying it was a mistake. She also tells my STBX that she has no business or right to be concerned with who I’m dating or when. My STBX ends up agreeing, but still is constantly checking to see if I bring anybody with me every time I go there, and the next time they talk it’s back to the old jealousy line.

Another interesting thing was that a lot of my STBX’s friends have put some distance between them. Several of her close friends did not agree with what she planned to do before she did it and let her know that. She did it anyway. They knew the charges were false, but didn’t want to be involved, so they just kind of faded into the background. While it’s nice to know that these people at least knew I wasn’t abusing my wife, it would have been nicer if they’d taken a little more of an active role.

My STBX is not getting all of the support she envisioned getting – her friends won’t babysit for her, they won’t tell her she did the right thing, some of them won’t even talk to her anymore.

I almost get mad at myself sometimes because when I hear these things I feel bad for her. I don’t want her be cast adrift by her friends and have nobody to talk to, but I also understand why these friends are doing what they are doing. I think about all that her stupid actions have done to me, all of the suffering I’ve gone through, and I don’t want to feel sorry for her, but I do. I guess I should be glad that I’m the type of person who has a hard time hating somebody, but it sure would be satisfying.

I was so angry yesterday that I didn’t call L last night, which was very unusual. We talk almost every night. I didn’t want her to talk to me while I was in that kind of mood. Tonight I’m still very annoyed by the whole thing, and I get spikes of anger every time I think of my son being stuck there, but I’m much better. Tonight I find myself thinking about how I’d do things if I was honestly worried that somebody was going to kidnap my child. I can understand her actions, even if they are based on a delusion. It was a lot easier yesterday, I could just be mad at her. I guess yesterday I was Darth Erasmus, and today I’m back to regular Erasmus. Dealing with this kind of mental illness gives you a sort of double vision. You have the anger in you from what’s happening to you, but you also have the compassion because you know why that person is acting the way they are. Does that make it easier? Hell, no. While it’s easier to be angry about it all, it doesn’t get you anywhere, and it doesn’t change a thing. I’ve never been one to take the easier path just because it’s there, anyway.