Thursday, May 26, 2005

When Does My Life Return To Normal?

There are times I find that I’m still feeling the effects of the ambush my STBX conducted. For weeks after it happened I was unbelievably careful, but I still worried that she’d make something else up. When I started dating I discovered how much I had adjusted my behavior due to my STBX’s paranoia. It took me months to let go and get back to normal. Tonight I had a serious scare, and it brought back a lot of fears.

Today I went down to see my son again. I was really looking forward to it, though I was not looking forward to bringing him back to the daycare again. On my way down I called the daycare to let her know I was coming and when I was planning on being there. Everything was settled with no problem and I continued on my drive. Don’t think here that I was cutting things close, it’s an hour and fifteen minute drive, and I had given myself an extra half hour, so there was a pretty significant amount of time before I got there.

Not too long after that I received a call from the STBX. It seems that she came back yesterday and never let me know. That’s pretty minor, I’m just glad I didn’t have to bring the little guy back to the daycare. He and I had a wonderful time, even though he has the beginnings of a cold. He was definitely cranky at dinner, but I kept him entertained until his food arrived. He was in a much better mood after he ate, but still not his normal self. He did give me a lot of hugs, so I was having a great time myself.

Eventually it was time to go back, which made him pretty happy. He really wanted to see his mommy, it was very cute. He’d get distracted and want to look at something, then remember he was going home to her and he’d get moving again. When we got there she took the opportunity to try to grill me on what was going on in my life. She asked a lot of questions, but I wouldn’t answer anything. She started to get annoyed and tried to demand answers, but I would not budge. I said goodbye to my son and watched as she shut the door. She was not very happy, but I long ago decided never to argue with her unless I had no other choice and several witnesses.

In about two or three minutes I was about halfway to my car. Suddenly a police car came speeding around the corner and accelerated down the road towards me. I felt a moment of utter fear. A serious chill went up my back and my hair stood on end. I could feel the adrenaline, and realized I had stopped walking on the sidewalk. This all happened in a split second. It’s always been a fear of mine that she’ll get angry about something and make more accusations. All the fear I had let go of over the last year came flooding back to me.

The police car drove by me and continued accelerating down the road. I started breathing again. I was sweating and my heart was going quite a bit faster than normal. I realized that she had not called the police, but the whole situation made me angry. I don’t like that I worry about her calling the police every time I do something she doesn’t like. How long is this going to go on? I think it’s going to be a long time, unfortunately.