Saturday, June 11, 2005

I can feel myself fighting…

There’s so much happening in my life right now that sometimes I don’t know how to react to it all. There are factors that are increasing the stress level on me and factors that are decreasing it. The biggest increaser? It’s a tie between the divorce situation and the loss of my job. The biggest reducer? I have to say that is my son. There are times I feel myself fighting against the stress. Where part of me wants to be in a good mood and is struggling to get out. I usually realize what’s happening and let the stress go. How easy that is depends on what is going on at the time.

Today was easy. My son and I were having a great time at the mall. We rode elevators and escalators, we played with his cars all over the place and explored the Discovery Store. The Discovery Store was great! He found a toy that spun multi-colored LEDs inside a clear globe when you pushed a button on the handle. Once he made the connection he couldn’t stop playing with it. He paraded around the store with it in hand like a little scepter. The women working there were having just as good a time watching him. They had a bunch of remote control cars, motorcycles, hovercraft etc in there, and he admired every one. I wanted to get him one, but he’s not really old enough to make it worth getting, and I have no business buying toys right now anyway.

We had some ice cream and he started saying “Daddy, I want to go to Daddy’s car”. He was getting sleepy and I knew he’d nap, so we started making our way back to my car. The ice cream usually energizes him for a while, but then he crashes hard. We got to the car and it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep as we drove off. I parked in a shady spot at a park and thought about things for a while. He woke up after sleeping for about an hour and a half, and he was a little bit unhappy. I think a car blowing it’s horn actually woke him. When he wakes up on his own he’s usually very happy.

When we got back to the parking lot down the street we started on our way back to the condo. He has discovered bugs, and wanted to examine every possible place where they would be. He saw ants (I don’t think they were Pharoah ants, you know who you are) spiders, flies and others. Usually when we’re on our way back if he’s stalling somewhere too long I’ll mention going to see Mommy and he’ll stop dawdling and start moving again. Today was different. He didn’t want to go back. When we pulled into the parking lot he said “No!” and started to whine. He didn’t care that we were going back to see Mommy, he wanted to take his time and look at all the bugs. When I was saying goodbye to him he wanted to come with me. I love it! Not for any reason against the STBX, just because he and I are developing a closer relationship. It’s a great feeling.

He is easily the single best way for me to get myself out of a bad mood. Thinking about the fun we have and the smile I can put on his face is all I need to do.

Here’s a piece of news – I think I’m single and carefree again. I haven’t heard from the woman I was dating for days. She seemed to get a little upset that I couldn’t see her while my mother was visiting and that I couldn’t call her as often as she’d like. I called her a couple of times and left messages, but she’s not returned my calls. In a sense this is good – I have enough on my mind right now. I had a strange dream last night. I had several different women kiss me at various times, and it was very enjoyable. I haven’t really just dated women in years, so it’s a learning experience again. What’s strange is that I find I’m receiving a lot more interest now. I truly have no idea why that is. I don’t look any different than before, and the interest isn’t just in random women (why can’t they try to kiss me like in the dream, by the way?). I’ve had several people try to fix me up with friends (or enemies? Maybe they’re lying when they say they like me) despite the fact that I’ve yet to finish a very ugly divorce and I’m now not working. You’d think that women would avoid men like me. I just don’t get it. I think there are three of you out there who have actually seen pictures of me, for the rest of you I can tell you that while I don’t look like Peewee Herman, I’m also no Brad Pitt (close though, heh heh). I would find any insight into this very interesting, so if you’ve got ideas, let me know.

Well, I need to get to bed, I couldn’t sleep last night because it was too hot here, so I need to catch up. Hopefully I’ll be meeting some kissing women in my dreams again.