Thursday, June 09, 2005

The Impression That I Get

Have you ever heard a song and thought “That describes what I feel like right now.” These are the lyrics to just such a song. This song touches me because I feel like I’m one of “the tested” he’s singing about. I’ve been through a lot so far and I’ve survived – I wish I’d done better sometimes, but surviving is good enough. I guess that means I’ve passed. So far, so good. My only worry right now is how desperate my STBX might be getting and what she’ll do. Will she continue to try and dig up dirt on me? There isn’t much out there – but the constant calling around will start people wondering I’m sure.

The Impression That I Get – The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Have you ever been close to tragedy
Or been close to folks who have
Have you ever felt a pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse
I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if i could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad i haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
that's the impression that I get
have you ever had the odds stacked up so high
You need a strength most don't possess
Or has it ever come down to do or die
You've got to rise above the rest
I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if i could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
that's the impression that I get
I'm not a coward,
I've just never been tested
I'd like to think that if I was,
I would pass
Look at the tested and think there but for the grace go
I might be a cowards,
I'm afraid of what I might find out
I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if i could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad i haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

One thing about his lyrics – it’s not good to be tested. It’s painful, it’s stressful, it’s sometimes even debilitating. I used to think that I could take just about anything, but I’ve learned that when you’re “tested”, it’s a situation that takes you right up to, if not beyond, your limits. Otherwise you’re not really being tested.

I know I’m not the only one out there going through hard times – The Anti-Wife is somebody who comes to mind immediately, probably because she’s also dealing with a mentally ill partner. I never dreamed I’d ever have to deal with something like this, it’s a consuming process, there never seems to be a break. I know that even as I sit her typing she could be on the phone with my ex-employers, telling stories and trying to wheedle information out of them. She might be calling friends and relatives telling them stories, and I’ll bet her version of yesterday’s meeting will be quite a bit different than mine. I’m thinking it will involve my horns, hooves and pitchfork, as well as tales of me lying and being mentally ill myself.

Have I mentioned that before? She believes I am mentally ill, and will tell everybody she can about it. I actually began to wonder, especially with the research I was doing about schizophrenia. Since schizophrenics have a lack of insight into the abnormal aspects of their behavior I wondered “What if she’s right and it’s me who’s sick?” So I asked my counselor about it. Thankfully I’ve got a clean bill of health in that regard. What he told me was that he wasn’t surprised that I’d been suffering (and receiving treatment for) depression, but that I wasn’t showing any signs that he could see. He also said the fact that I was questioning if I could be mentally ill was a good sign too. I wonder, however, how many people she’s convinced that there’s something wrong with me.

So, the testing continues. For me it’s almost over, but for the Anti-Wife, it’s pretty much just beginning. Good luck.