Friday, June 17, 2005

The Rest of the Story

I had to post some more about my visit with my son yesterday – there was so much more than the stolen nose incident. It’s amazing that at some point, almost all little boys become interested in bugs. My son is no exception. If he sees a bug now he insists of going over to look at it, and sometimes picking it up. That’s not a problem when it’s a caterpillar, as most of the carnivorous caterpillars live down in Mexico and Australia, but I’m worried that he’ll try to pick up a wasp or something. You see, there’s precedent.

When I was about a year and a half old my mother was sitting on the front steps while I was playing in the yard in front of her. She tells me that I suddenly looked down at a big bumblebee and decided I wanted to pick it up. I was quick enough to reach down and grab it, and was rewarded with a sting to my thumb. She said I was a little upset about the whole thing.

As you can see, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that my son will try to pick up a stinging insect. Anyway, on to why this is relevant. When I picked up my son he came running over to me to show me his car, as is usual. We were just about to leave when he turned to the STBX and asked her “Where’d my spider go?”. I had no idea what he meant, but I assumed that he was talking about a stuffed spider or toy spider or something. No.

The STBX brought out some kind of plastic container, and in it was a little jumping spider, which was now my son’s pet. Yes, my son has a pet spider. And he likes to carry it around with him everywhere. Including Friendly’s.

So we’re in Friendly’s and he’s playing with his cars while his spider sat in it’s container in front of him. He explained to me that he wanted his spider to go into his car – I’m sure he had ideas that it would drive it around. We were lucky to get a male server who didn’t have a problem with the spider. I can say this with some confidence because he mentioned it to one of the female servers, and suddenly no woman would come near the table. How do I know? Because we were on the main path to the kitchen. And after he told them about the spider they all took the long way around our table to keep a maximum amount of distance between the perilous spider and their delicate skins. Because the spider was obviously just trying to lull them into a false sense of security. They knew that if they came close to the table the top would fly off the little plastic cup and the spider inside would jump out like one of the hatchlings in the movie Aliens. They’re life would be horribly cut short by a poisonous bite, just like in all those movies. The fact that this spider was a two-year-old’s pet meant nothing – it was a ruse to allow the spider to get close to more victims, preferably teenage girls.

It didn’t help matters that this was a jumping spider. As we all know, they jump only to go for the throat.

It will be interesting to see how long this poor spider lasts. I’m very sure that the STBX will not open the cup to put any bugs in there for it to eat – she’s a believer in the Great Spider Conspiracy against women. I figure next week I’ll have to find him a new spider.

For the future? My bets are that an Ant Farm is in the cards for him. It’s going to be very funny to see all the grey hairs my STBX gets as a result of his bringing bugs into the house.