Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A Trip Down Memory Lane

For some reason I decided to take some time tonight and go back through my own archives. I’m not sure why I did it – maybe part of it was that my mind is starting to let go of the stress and preoccupation of being unemployed and return to some sense of normal. No matter what precipitated it, I found myself reading.

I found myself reading about the day I was met by a man at my front door who told me I had to leave my house and not come back. How he gave me five minutes because I didn’t blow up at him to gather whatever I could before I had to get into my car and drive out. Finding that the checking and savings accounts had been emptied, leaving me no money to even buy my next meal. The phone call I received the next morning from the police department in which I got a small hint at how much my life was going to change.

I read about trying to get some of my things and how my STBX attempted to get me even then. How my clothes were placed in garbage bags to be given to me at the bottom of the stairs. How for a week I did not get to see my son at all until I got to hug him goodbye when I was about to leave. I read through how the police refused to charge me because they realized she was lying, how she changed tactics and claimed I was a danger to my son. I hadn’t thought in a long time of the Family Services Liaison who realized that something wasn’t quite right and fought to help me.

In this post I read about my STBX’s paranoid reaction to me finding a place to live. In this one I read about information I’d found on the web about how some groups actually encouraged women to use false domestic violence claims as a weapon in divorce. And how it hurts the men so bad sometimes that they end up committing suicide.

I read much more than that, but you get the idea. In the last couple of months I’d put most of what had happened to me out of my mind. Finding work became such a high priority that I didn’t have time to really think about things. Reading through those past entries was surprisingly hard. I found myself crying sometimes as things I hadn’t thought about in months were relived in my writing.

I really don’t know how I made it through all of this. There were certainly times I felt like giving up. But what would I have done? Probably gone to spend a couple of nights with my father or one of my brothers, gotten myself together and gone right back. It would have been more like taking a break. Still, I don’t know how I’ve kept my head on straight. In a year’s time I’ve gone through so many changes. I started out a husband living with his wife and son, and went to nearly being homeless, to fighting a battle to just see my son, to losing my job. And now I’m close to getting a new job in a completely different field. As long as nothing bizarre happens I’ll be taking the first real steps in reclaiming a normal life.

I’m quite sure a lot of it is my son. He’s such a powerful influence on me and I use the responsibility and love I feel for him as a source of motivation. I want to not only meet my responsibilities to him, but exceed them.

I’m glad I started this and kept it up. Reading through all those posts reminded me of how much I’ve gone through and how well I’ve held up. Someday I’ll need to explain all of this – whether it be to a woman I’m close to or my son when he’s old enough to understand it all without it hurting him. It’ll be a lot easier if they can read what I wrote as I went through so much of it. I like to think they’ll be able to see the emotions I experienced from reading what I wrote. Especially my son, he should know just how much he’s always meant to me.

Have you taken a trip down your memory lane lately?