Saturday, August 13, 2005

The Worst Movie of All Time

Many of you may think they know what the worst movie in the world is. Some might guess “A Simple Plan”, others “Waterworld”. I’m sure somebody would say that any movie with Bill Paxton is a dead ringer, but I’d have to remind you that he did, in fact, do one good movie: Twister. While these are all close, they do not rise (or fall) to the level of the movie “Anguish”.

I’m not even sure how to describe such a bad movie. I’ll try. It is a movie about a strange man. At first. Anyway, he is some kind of optometrist’s assistant, and keeps a cigar box full of glass eyes. We find out he lives with his mother, who is using some kind of hypnotic spell to control him and send him out to kill young girls. As he’s killing her image appears in the background with the spinning hypnotic wheel, telling him what to do. He kills the girl, then cuts out her eyes, putting them in his cigar box. It’s then we realize that these are not glass eyes.

Are you with me so far? Ok. Next, we’re suddenly confronted with the scene of the interior of a movie theater. The people in this theater are watching a movie. The movie is the one I was describing in the paragraph above. So we are actually now watching a movie of people in a movie theater watching a movie about this weird guy killing and cutting out eyeballs while under the hypnotic spell of his evil mother. Got it? Good, because it gets better. We start seeing scenes from the lobby of the theater, where a man with a rifle has come in and chained the doors to the theater so nobody can get out. We also cut back to the inside of the theater, where we find that a teenage girl is becoming much too engrossed with the movie. We cut back to the rifle-carrying madman, who has somehow gotten into a room behind the movie screen, where he pokes a hole in the screen and pushes the barrel of the rifle out of. He then starts shooting. Everybody in the theater panics. They’re screaming and running for the exits, but the doors are chained. The only person who’s not panicking is the teenage girl. She’s almost in a trance watching the movie. Suddenly the weird optometrist’s-assistant-who-is-controlled-hypnotically-by-his-evil-mother (remember him?) looks at the girl who is sitting in the movie audience watching him in a movie (are you following this?). She suddenly becomes terror-stricken as she realizes that he can somehow see her, even though he’s a character on a movie screen. He throws the scalpel he’s been using to cut out young women’s eyes and it leaves the movie screen and it flies through the air to hit the young woman in the eye.

I wish I could tell you how the movie ends. The reason is simple. I couldn’t take anymore. I left the theater. It is, to this day, the only movie I’ve walked out of. I’ve contemplated buying a copy to play for when various annoying relatives or friends overstay their welcome, but I have to wonder on what Homeland Security lists I’ll end up on for buying it.

Ok, I just went and looked on for this movie. I wrote all of the above before I read this, and I’ve got to say that I’m surprised at how much I remembered. I did not realize just how badly this movie had been burned into my psyche back in 1986.