Sunday, October 23, 2005

100 Paragraphs About Me, Part I

A word about this project. I was going to blatantly copy Karla’s 100 Things Wrong With Me. I even asked her permission to do so, which she graciously gave (for a small fee). However, in trying to write it I found that I am nowhere near as funny as her. So I decided to keep it within my writing abilities (which, if that were true, would make the title “100 Really Stupid Paragraphs About Me”). The courts will have to decide if I'll still have to pay her the fee. So, let us start.

1. I find humor in all kinds of places, even when it might endanger my life. Once, as a teenager, my brothers and I were arguing at the dinner table. My father, who had had enough suddenly said in a stern voice “You kids be quiet and stop your squawking!” All three of us were doing our best to hold little snickers in, but failing. My dad, noticing us, said “What’s so damn funny?” I told him, in a small voice “you said ‘squawk’.” When in the navy, some friends and I were in line at Burger King. Another guy in line had a “Navy Seals” T-shirt on, but was clearly not in the Navy. We started laughing and he said in a gravelly voice (I think he’s related to Canagal) “the last time a guy laughed at me, I pulled him down to the bottom. And I didn’t let him go until the last bubble hit the surface…” There was a moment of utter silence. Then we broke out in uncontrollable laughter. He didn’t drag us down.

2. I seem to be completely unable at times to recognize that a woman is interested in me. I was telling a friend about a woman who I kept running into in a toy store with my son. She was a beautiful woman, and somehow managed to make a short skirt, tight sweater and black leather boots look classy. She was very friendly and asked me a lot of questions about my son. We ran into each other several times while I was in the store, and the man (who I thought was possibly a boyfriend) and her son were nowhere to be found on these occasions. My friend told me I was an idiot and that the woman was trying to get me to ask her out. This theory (both the idiot part and the woman’s intentions) have been confirmed by Sam.

3. My major was pathobiology, and it sometimes leads me to tell people things they don’t want to hear. The other day a coworker was telling somebody that they used to like medium rare hamburgers, but that they make them well-done to protect themselves from e. coli and mad cow disease. Of course I had to correct them. By the time I finished informing him that prions (which cause BSE, or Mad Cow) are extremely resistant to heat and that even an autoclave will not make a contaminated instrument safe his face was quite grey. I don’t think he’ll be eating beef anytime soon.

4. Simple things excite me sometimes. Today I started my single-cup coffeemaker and promptly forgot about it. When I remembered that I had a cup of coffee waiting for me upstairs I did a little happy dance (that should be a separate entry) and emitted a little “hee hee hee” (picture Homer Simpson).

5. I sometimes have little patience for stupid people. I have been known to look at somebody who uttered something particularly idiotic and say to them “That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.” During spring break one year a woman I worked with was injured in a riot that occurred on campus. She insisted that the police had “forced” the students to riot by simply being there in riot gear. The police were there because there was a history of riots at this site. When she said that the police should not have reacted to the rocks and bottles the students started throwing at them, I had to say something – can you guess what I said? Did I mention that she was my immediate supervisor?

6. There may be some really questionable genes rolling around in me. The ones I’m most worried about are present in my uncle. He is a star trek fan. Not one of the normal star trek fans who watch the show and enjoy it. He’s one of the ones who dress up in the uniform. Who meets with a group of friends on a couple of weekends a month to pretend their flying a starship. On a full-size starship bridge they built themselves. Some of you might not think this is so bad, and if this were the only thing wrong with him, I might agree. However, he’s nearly 60, lives with his mother (as he has since he got out of the Army at 22) and signs his paycheck over to her every two weeks and gets an allowance back. Be honest, how many of you cringed?